A Tale of Woe and Triumph- Part One: Weapons of Mass Destruction

     It is the middle of the night. Or perhaps the beginning of the morning. There may be some debate on this point, but whether this hour is night or morning is of little consequence at this moment. Due to the unwise and careless decision to purchase 5 dollars-worth of chocolate covered coffee beans last afternoon, and to the even more unwise and more careless decision to consume half of them throughout the course of last evening, Sleep has become grossly offended and fled me far tonight. Even two hours of penance, lying perfectly still with closed eyes and quenched lights and slow relaxed breathing, has been to no avail. Oh, Sleep can be so moody and cross when slighted!
   Thus it was that in the dead of night (or the wee hours of the morning- whichever phrase you prefer), I realized that further penance would accomplish nothing but a waste of time. Given that time is a resource too precious to be wasted in the final weeks of a semester and the initial weeks of a new job, I rose to make good use of it until Sleep should forgive me. After a short time, thirst seized me (no doubt also due to the exorbitant amounts of caffeine in my system), so I went to the kitchen for a glass of water and discovered... Them.
     I knew about Them already. From time to time over the course of our year of sharing our apartment, my roommates and I had encountered Them. One or two small ones, perhaps a big one, once every few weeks. Even with the cleanest kitchen in the world, all it takes is a crumb or two to escape notice or a small forgotten spill behind the stove, and suddenly They descend upon you and you never realize it until it is too late. We had cleaned and scrubbed, sealed away all the food, and sprayed a choking spray everywhere, and for a long time we saw scarcely a trace of the despicable things. But tonight, I saw Them, and never had I seen Them in such abundance.
     They were a multitude of all sizes and shades. (Perhaps there were only six or seven, but in the interest of dramatic effect, let's leave them unnumbered.) After killing half of the multitude with a paper towel and swiftness of movement (the other half escaping with movement swifter than mine), I googled Them and discovered many things, knowledge of all sorts to aid me in developing weapons of mass CR destruction (or at least repellent) without using elements harmful to myself or my human housemates. Using this knowledge, I have already created a crude elementary weapon (of the trap variety) to test the effectiveness of said newly-acquired knowledge, and now I await my first victims. I include a link here in case anyone who reads this who also encounters Them from time to time in life, may find it helpful: Weapons of MassCR Destruction
    Thus ends Part One, in which woe is to me and triumph is to Them. Stay tuned for A Tale of Woe and Triumph- Part Two, in which the tables are turned, with triumph to me and woe to Them and their descendants for ever.
     And thus, after plotting much victory and accomplishing some homework, and blogging for the first time in weeks!!!, I return to my pillow in the hopes that Sleep will take pity and grant me one hour of time-- precious moments of rest -- before my cell phone alarm cheerfully sings "Good Morning, Goood Moooorn-ingg!" calling me to another day of meetings, interviews, work, classes, presentations and papers, wedding-shower-planning for my roommate, and general end-of-semester beginning-of-new-jobs craziness.

I am so happy to finally have a permanent job to go to in the mornings. God is good.